Category: Uncategorized

By Larry Teren

Tell me- do I look rich to you? Is it my debonair countenance? Or as an older friend said to me a week ago, “Cmon! You got deep pockets.” If my hands go the distance into my pants pockets, it’s only because there are holes in ’em and I’m too cheap to buy replacements. (Ed. Note- pants, not hands) Besides, you know what it’s like going to Walmart and waiting to use the one dressing room set aside for the male of the species. You wait impatiently while listening to the dressing room “receptionist” speak to another lady in Croatian. (If it was in Spanish, at least you can fake understanding their chat and smile when they laugh while also throwing in a couple words you remember from high school. Words like “muchachas, por favor- esperando diez minutos.” You’re holding onto the two limit pair of slacks that you know read the right size on the label but somehow are too tight when you attempt to squeeze into them. Finally, you get the nod, go into the little room with the misaligned door and try to figure out how to take your pants off without removing your shoes and then putting on the replacements. Continue reading “If I Were a Rich Man”

Deus ex machina. Originally conceived as a writer’s plot device when he cannot think of a logical way to proceed with a narrative. He then pulls a figurative “rabbit out of a hat”. Either the Guy up in the sky (if you are a believer) or a machine (if you are secular) unexpectedly swoops in and solves the dilemma. So what, you say? I guess I’m just tired of looking at the stock market bouncing up and down from day to day. The world spends money like a teenage girl in an emotional crisis. Maybe we are living in an ex machina world waiting for that phone to ring and bring good fortune. Of course, when you answer the annoying tone, hang up if it is a machine-recorded sales pitch. Continue reading “Living in an Ex Machina World”

By Larry Teren

A famous television actress wrote in her autobiography that she learned the best way to get what she wanted was to lean in on someone, talk in a calm voice and act vulnerable. She then proceeded to give a sketchy example of one time when it worked to her benefit.

She did say that until she got that advice, she would usually come on like a female bull (if that was possible) in a china shop. Sometimes it would work out but she would be in such an aggravated condition she would not enjoy her victory. I’d be the first person to admit that I have too often used the “take no prisoners” method to get the outcome I hoped for.
Continue reading “Catch a Bee With Honey”

By Larry Teren

There we were, the three of us- Ma, cousin Carl and I- sitting in his private room at a rehab facility. Three people in search of a method acting coach to supply us with the lines to speak in a too often repeated scenario. Carl fell down in his house and broke his leg. Surgery pieced back together the broken shards and now they had to heal. The surgeon told him he would stay at the facility for three months until his leg was strong enough so that he could stand on his own two feet without someone monitoring his every movement.

This scene was somewhat a rerun from an earlier time. Two years prior Carl had heart issues. The doctor back then gutted him like a halibut in order to clean out his arteries. At least this time he was on the first floor. The second floor was an inconvenience to traverse to at the facility. You couldn’t take the stairs unless escorted by a worker who knew the pass code. There was no service elevator. Even when either of the two elevators would finally show up half the time it was filled with rolling carts.
Continue reading “Method Acting at the Rehab”

Small Potatoes

By Larry Teren

Saturday night is a good night for a party when it’s January, there is snow on the ground (but not too much) and it’s too cold to go strolling outside. Besides, it’s no longer safe to just stroll around unless you know where you are heading and can spot the potential for evil to lurk.

It’s even better when the party is a big bash at a fancy hall with lots of food and family oriented entertainment. Top it off with the fact a well-heeled friend is footing the bill and someone else is driving you there and back. Don’t think that I’m happy not to be taking my car back and forth in order to save on gas or to be able to toss some liquor down my throat. I don’t drink and my car would never make the trip. In fact, the next morning- Sunday- as I go to pick up Ma to give her a chance to do a little shopping, my beater goes over a bump and off goes the pipe that on one end is connected to the muffler and the other end to a thingamajig. I drive the car 20 miles an hour with the emergency flashers on for a little over a mile with the pipe clinking against the road. Too many intelligent onlookers stare at me wanting to tell me that the pipe is scraping against the ground, as if I don’t know. Luckily, I make it to the car repair joint I usually visit, you know- the one whose owner lives in my condo building. Being the nice guy he is, he clears his agenda and replaces the pipe. When his henchman brings me the bill, he says, “you’re lucky. It’s small potatoes.” I look at the invoice and see that in his dictionary as well as at the produce store he shops, small potatoes cost over $250.00. Continue reading “Small Potatoes”