By Larry Teren
“Gentlemen- and ladies, of course- I’m proud to be a member of the National Garage Owners Association. (Not to be confused with organizations of a similar sounding name.) I won’t deny that we have been taking it on the chin lately but maybe it is because our members do not know how to express themselves adequately as well as you members of the distinguished press. You have been taking pot shots at our constitutional right to enjoy the amenities of keeping a car or two comfortably parked in a garage. A garage, as we all should know, is a wonderful structure that protects our metal transportation vehicles from the outdoor elements.
Some of you question our right to say that we are protected by the Constitution to keep a garage. Well, doesn’t our Constitution state that we have the right to the pursuit of happiness? Having a car safely tucked away in a warm garage on a blustery wintry day is a joy that one who parks on the street cannot imagine. Or on a day of thunderstorms, who in their right mind wants their auto exposed to the elements?
Yet, you non-privileged folk try to make us feel uncomfortable. I’ve had constituents call and write to complain about jackasses (their words, not mine- I apologize to those who feel offended) who on a snowy day pull out into traffic with their rear window full of ice or snow and proceed to creep along at twenty miles an hour in a thirty-five mile an hour zone. These cretins (again, their words- not mine) have no interest in going with the flow of traffic until they can see out of their rear window. In fact, they prefer to drive slowly because it will take the car’s engine a good ten minutes before it is warmed up and capable of going at a faster speed.
I say to these morons (my words now, present company excluded, ladies) that they should stay off the road and take public transportation from December until April. Naturally, they prefer that drivers of garage-kept cars not be allowed to defend their good fortune. They want us to park outside, too, unless they come over to visit us and find that our car has taken up the one free space along the curb that they would have used. Well, you cannot have it both ways.
You think that garage owners always have it easy? In a power outage, we are stuck at home. The garage door will not open until the power is put back on. However, garages with manual door override release do not have this problem. That’s why I say that no one should ban semi-automatic garage doors.
You say ‘what about my colleagues in the legislature?’ You say that some of the more liberal members of Congress sympathize with street parkers and want to ban garages. First, they are hypocrites and will vote a congressional exemption because they all use garages. They just don’t broadcast it. Second, and this is important to remember- a garage doesn’t make a car better. It’s the person who drives it. Some people rarely do scheduled maintenance for their car even though they keep it in a garage. Some people who park outdoors wash their car every weekend. It’s all in the hands of the person. My friends, there are good and bad people. Let’s not ruin it for the good people.
Even the President keeps his car in a garage back in Chicago. Otherwise, it would get stolen. That’s it- garages help prevent crime.
In conclusion, we do not discriminate. All religions, race, color and creed are welcome to join the National Garage Association. Except for anybody from New York. Thank you and good night.”