Wowee, I Won a Lawsuit!

By Larry Teren


Hey, it’s not every day I go up against a big money organization and prevail in a courtroom battle. I want to thank my team of lawyers for working hard to make this a victorious outcome. Whatever they earned, it was worth it.


I was so happy to receive the settlement agreement check in the mail. I quickly deposited it in the bank and figured that in about another one hundred and fifty years it will start to earn interest. You see, the check was for only three cents. That’s not a typo. In fact, I had no clue I was even part of a so-called class action lawsuit against a major internet company. But, I’ll takes what I can gets.


Of course, out of curiosity I had to go look up what this class action lawsuit was all about, since I had no idea I was even in for some dough. The information accompanying the check provided a website to go visit.

At the site, it indicated that this was a suit whose settlement agreement was made final September 14, 2009. How dare those people wait almost three years to give me my precious three cents! I’m of a mind to give them my two cents worth of complaining and demanding interest on the held back share of the proceeds, except that it would leave me with only a penny for my thoughts.


I have to be honest, friends, in stating that I still don’t know why we sued nor why we won. But do I think about the fact that it had to cost them a lot more than three cents to give me my rightful settlement agreement money.  First, the paper that the check and accompanying instructions were printed on had to cost, I dunno- at least a dime- if you take into account economy of scale. Except, when I stand on a scale there is no economy.


Second, it had to cost them lots of money to mail it. The triple-folded card  indicated on the front that it was sent presorted first class. That’s got to cost- what?- least forty-five cents unless they have a deal with the post office ’cause they’re such a big user of the mail. Kind of ironic- huh?-  since this company specializes in getting us to abandon the mail for email.


Besides that, I had to deal with the humility of going up to a bank teller who knows me well and hand her a check for three cents and say I want to deposit it. At first I told her I wanted to cash it. You never know when having three pennies in your pocket can be helpful. She told me, “fine, you can cash it- but can I see some identification?”


Startled, I replied, “now wait a minute. You took this other check from a client to deposit. You didn’t ask me to prove I own the account I am depositing it into. But, for three cents you want me to prove who I am?” She says, “well a deposit is one thing. We don’t care who gives it to us because it is going into an account. We don’t just give money to anyone, not even three cents unless you can prove who you are.”


Rather than throw a temper tantrum, I told her to just deposit the pittance into my business checking account. With that she went back to joking around with me like she knew me for years.


I’m looking forward to a settlement agreement on another class action lawsuit. In fact, make that two. One involves an internet service provider, the other a health insurance provider who quit doing business with my class of policy holders a few years ago. I’m beginning to think that this might be a good business to get involved in.  Anyone out there wanna join me in a class action lawsuit?


Let’s see, we can sue the Chicago Cubs for failing to engage in a World Series participation since I was born. After all, as a fan who has in the past paid to go to many games and spend more on concessions, I feel I have been cheated out of adequate service.


Then there are those politicians who promise when elected to fix the budget and get everyone back to working who wants to…  Enough said. Catch ya later. I got to go buy me one of them fancy attache brief cases so I can look like an important interested party when my next class action lawsuit comes to court for  the reading of the settlement agreement.

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